Paging GOB Bluth, GOB Bluth to the front desk please

There are few things I enjoy more in this world than a good anecdotal story. Hearing a skilled yarn-spinner recount the time he accidentally lit his date’s dress on fire during a rehearsal dinner brings me incalculable joy. I’m fortunate in that I have several friends particularly adroit in tale-telling.

Back in college, my friends and I would often watch Jeopardy! together. Ask any of us what the worst part of Jeopardy! is and you’ll likely receive a uniform response: The contestant interviews. The vast majority of these home-schooled brainiacs lack both the material and the elocutionary abilities to convey a captivating chestnut. Sadly, we often hear how Patty from Des Moines attained the rank of treasurer for her local chapter of the Audubon Society or how Delton from just outside Portland (Maine that is .. not Oregon) once lost his wedding band while washing his ’87 Buick Riviera, only to later find it at the bottom of a soapy bucket (incredible!!!). For years, I secretly harbored incredible angst that if I one day fulfilled my dream of appearing on the lauded quiz show, I too would appear a boring dolt. You see my friends, up until my very last semester of law school, I completely lacked any material that would allow me to tell a tale that would leave the studio audience and viewers at home in side-splitting hysterics.

I should clarify the above statement. Over the years I have accumulated multitudinous stories, which would leave all but the most grizzled fun-hater in tears. This is a function of two main things – the first being that my friends are completely ridiculous. A fact that, when combined with copious amounts of alcohol, often leads to bat-shit insane situations. The second being that I, for whatever reason, have a propensity for getting myself into trouble with the authorities (be they school administrators, hotel security guards, or the police). The problem with having stories that revolve almost exclusively around my drunken asshole friends and my arrests is that Alex Trebek would never let me tell them on air.

My predicament was forever solved after I finished taking a labor law final in May, 2007. I had only one final left and it was a take-home; it was smooth sailing from there on out. To celebrate, I stopped at McDonald’s on my walk home. I felt I had earned the right to spend $10.00 on horribly greasy, trans-fat laden deliciousness.* Upon exiting McDonald’s with a bag so saturated with grease any outside observer could literally see the double quarter pounder and chicken burrito stuffed into the translucent bottom, I witnessed something that changed my life.
I saw a business-type looking fellow, decked out in an obnoxiously pin-striped suit and all, motoring down the sidewalk on a segway. I immediately stopped to gawk, for even as a New Yorker, this was the first time I had actually seen someone riding a segway down the sidewalk. Almost as soon as I started watching, the businessman stopped the segway, dismounted the vehicle, and removed his blackberry from his super stylish hip holster. He began furiously typing away while his segway stood motionless next to him.

At this point, I noticed a gentleman, dressed in traditional homeless man garb with a traditional homeless man beard and, in fact, most likely homeless, walking toward the businessman and his segway. The homeless man, demonstrating great alacrity, quickly hopped upon the segway, pushed the accelerator forward and took off down the sidewalk. Yup, the homeless dude totally stole the businessdouche’s segway.

The businessman looked up, startled and confused. After taking a moment to figure out what had just occurred, he began running down the street, chasing vainly after the homeless man riding his segway. As the chase continued further away from me, my hunger got the best of me and I decided I wasn’t going to join in the chase to witness the resolution. For what its worth, I can’t imagine that the businessman caught up to the homeless man and his former segway.

This, my friends, is the best story I have. Its also the only Jeopardy! appropriate story I have. I have no idea what eventually became of either man. I can only hope the homeless gentleman sold the segway for a relatively substantial amount of cash and proceeded to turn his life around, while the businessman, formerly some douchey banker at Bear Sterns, is now an unemployed douchey banker.

In summation, the lesson as always, crime pays.


*If you never have, I strongly suggest spending $10.00 at McDonald’s and actually eating all that you just purchased. You will certainly not thank me later.