That's just like .. your opinion .. man

Well its been quite some time since Norwood, Enis, or myself (Dr. Danger, Esq.) have posted anything on Mindgrapes of Wrath (Slim Charles has yet to grace this small corner of the intraweb with his presence). Well faithful readers, the wait is over.

Those of you who know me know that I’m an avid music lover. No one genre defines my taste, although, as a general proposition, I certainly gravitate to certain types of music over others as a starting point. Bands like The Clash, Dead Kennedys, The Misfits, and Against Me! occupy a place in my heart located not too far from the residences of Sage Francis, Aesop Rock, and Mos Def. Take a quick right and you’ll find Manu Chao chilling with Lee “Scratch” Perry (who incidentally had earlier been getting high with members of The Band and Ratatat). Rush hangs around too, you should see Geddy Lee when he’s boozing with Dean Martin. And I’d be remiss not to mention my affection for Ween and They Might Be Giants (drugs can do odd things to one’s tastes). Hell, even James Taylor is more than welcome anywhere I’m rolling. Suffice to say, I have a broad and eclectic taste in music and am loathe to dismiss something without giving it a proper chance.

Now, like any other hot-blooded American, I have plenty of hate in my heart. It would be of no benefit to anyone to recount most of the bands I hate, as they are plentiful and, in my mind, fairly obvious. I can't believe that anyone ACTUALLY likes Creed, Counting Crows, or Cascada, so it seems unnecessary to point out that I too despise those … those … those … I’m at a loss for words … man those “musical acts” really blow.

Instead, I will now present to you the definitive list of the Top 5 Worst Bands of All-Time (worth mentioning)* - in reverse order:

5. John Cougar Mellencamp – I’ll admit a few years ago Cougar never would have made this list. Granted I was never really a fan of “Jack & Diane” or “Wild Nights”, but I’d simply change the radio station and be on my way. He manufactured mindlessly drivel-driven hits for years, but that surely doesn’t make him a lonely man. For years he was nothing more than a poor-man’s Tom Petty as far as Dr. Danger was concerned.

Everything changed once the 2006 NFL season began. Ever since then it is quite literally IMPOSSIBLE to watch a nationally televised sporting event in America without hearing “This is Our Country”. This song soared through the ranks of all time insufferable diddies, reaching a height previously unoccupied. I know there isn’t much need for me to further expound upon the crappiness of this song. You’ve heard it, you know its god awful, and I’m sure you can agree that this singular piece of musical construction is far more than enough to warrant J. Cougar Mellencamp’s inclusion in the Top 5 Worst Bands of All-Time list.

4. The Beatles – Look, I know. I know everyone disagrees with me. I know EVERYONE loves the Beatles. I know there are without question people who want to smack me for including the Beatles on any list other than the Top 2 Bands of All-Time list. Well you know what? Fuck you. While I readily admit the Beatles were an incredibly influential band and John Lennon was a cool motherfucker, I also readily admit that I feel like I’m having an aneurysm every time I’m subjected to listening to any of their songs.

I just can’t stand hearing them. John Lennon’s voice irritates me. Paul McCartney REALLY irritates me, his voice too, but mainly Paul McCartney … he is the definition of a complete sell-out douchebag. Take your billions and your one-legged ex-wife you prissy, no-talent hack. I believe Paul McCartney singlehandedly pushed race relations back 35 years with Ebony and Ivory – how could black people ever respect white people after that abortion of a collaboration?

Its not just Paul though; I truly believe ALL their music is bad. Their early bubblegum pop is grating and their later hippy-yogi-drug fueled music is unlistenable. I really can’t stand them. We’re moving on now.

3. Aerosmith – This band that has had a ton of success. I mean a TON of success. I would wager I could grab a person off the street and he could name me 5 Aerosmith songs off the top of his head. Interestingly enough, not one of them would be good. If John Mellencamp is a poor man’s Tom Petty, then Aerosmith is a poverty-stricken paraplegic man’s Rolling Stones**. Their lyrics are terrible and trite and they might as well wear corporate logos on stage like European soccer players wear on the pitch. Steven Tyler will never be Mick Jagger and will probably never get to bang his daughter, no matter how hard he tries.

2. Fleetwood Mac – Here’s a band that in any other universe would undoubtedly hold the number 1 position on this list. Now bear with me for a second. I love my father and really couldn’t ask for a better man to be my dad. For all his great attributes, there is one thing for which I will never be able to fully forgive him – he likes Fleetwood Mac. Consequently, I heard a lot of Fleetwood Mac growing up, and let me tell you something, they blow like none other. Slutastic Stevie Nicks should take her coked up asshole and use a fire extinguisher to drown herself; that is if she had any decency – which she doesn’t. Outside of people over 40, I don't believe I’ve met a single person who likes Fleetwood Mac. They are only “out-worsted” by one band ….. the absolute worst band of all-time:

1. The (fucking) Eagles – Jeff Bridges, while portraying The Dude in one of America’s greatest cinematic masterpieces, sums it up best “…I hate the fucking Eagles man”. Glenn Frey, Don Henley, Joe Walsh, and whoever the 4th guy is – YOU ALL SUCK. Witchy Woman … Hotel California … Desperado … Take It Easy … these songs are all unabashedly terrible. I cannot begin to describe the animosity I have toward whatever dumbfuck record executive allowed this group of talentless cheesedicks to release music into the public’s ear.

I could go on much longer about how much I hate the (fucking) Eagles, but I’ll save you the obscenity-laden diatribe. It wouldn’t even be very interesting, just a lot of swearing and repeated mention of how much I hate the (fucking) Eagles. Please, just do everyone a favor, if you ever see someone put an Eagles song on a juke box, break a bottle of Miller High Life over his head, drag him into the closest bathroom and give him a swirlie.



*This list is neither definitive nor shall it be construed to represent the opinions and/or thoughts of Norwood, Enis, Slim Charles, the Lawn Wranglers as a collective entity, or any contributor to Mindgrapes of Wrath. This list is the brainchild of Dr. Danger and Dr. Danger alone (although it is pretty much the definitive list).

**Also monster, mammoth sell-outs who also will probably start wearing corporate logos as attire on stage in the very near future (hattip to B-rizzy for observing that I should note this)