My Lawn Wrangler Debut

As has been previously alluded to, I have been thus far absent on this here blog. Why? Well, see, I write for a living. I put my meager amounts of creativity into stuff that actually pays me, not writing on some shit site that only my roommates and maybe a couple friends read. It's not that I don't care about you guys - that's only part of it. The truth is, I just don't feel like giving it away. Do you think prostitutes take time out of their workday to give free handjobs? No f'in way. But, since I generally cave to even the faintest amount of peer pressure - in this case, the fact that my roommates have already been posting on this and they're assholes - consider this my free handjob to you. I just hope you're a fast reader because my arm gets tired. Get it? No? Fuck you.

Anyway, like I said, inspiration is a key part of my job and I've been lacking it recently, so I decided that instead of coming up with something original, I'll just take you through the things that have made me happy, angry, or confused this week.

Awesome Things That Don't Suck:
1. Baseball.

Ian already spoke of the Mets, but allow me to be a piece of repeatin' shit. Last season sucked for the Shea faithful, so now spring returns with a clean slate for baseball fans. This afternoon, I plan on parking my ass in front of the TV and watching Johan Santana pitch his first innings as a Met. Working from home is rough.

I'm also excited for wiffle ball games, as long as Glen isn't my teammate.

This also means that in a little over a month, I'll be attending games wearing the best purchase I've made in years. Mustache not included, unfortunately.


2. VH1 Classic

Ok, I know not everyone is into quality music these days, but if you think you are, check out VH1 Classic right now (channel 136 for you fellow Time Warner suckers). The best of the lot is Classic Albums, where they go through the history of a monumental record. Dark Side Of The Moon, Metallica's Black Album, Electric Ladyland, Motorhead's Ace Of Spades? Rawk!

The best part, they barely have any commercials, so you get near full hours of awesomeness. Then, just for shits, they'll put on a movie like Ghostbusters. Well played, VH1. Well played.

You've been informed. Now go.

3. White Russians

It's not secret that we in this apartment love The Big Lebowski. If you're not a fan, stop reading this immediately and go watch it another two or three times. Then come back. You'll thank me.

One of the best parts about The Dude is his love for Caucasians, or in the common parlance, White Russians. I had two last night and they're delicious. Rarely does a beverage combine the soothing qualities of chocolate milk and the potency to knock you on your ass. In the morning, they can cure hangovers. In the winter, they'll warm your stomach. In the summer, load them with ice and you have the perfect afternoon cocktail. Drink one at 11 PM on a Thursday and you'll feel like a million bucks. Fuck writing this - I'm going to mix one now.

Things That Pissed Me Off This Week:
1. Squirrels.

One woke me up the other morning and it really pissed me off. Yeah, they look cute and all, but wait until one of them gets in your basement when you're trying to write a 10th grade history paper and you have to get it out by trapping it in a plastic bin and it's surprisingly strong and fighting like it's rabid, so you have to really wrestle to keep it inside until you can get up the stairs to your back porch and, once it finally realizes that it's free again and runs away, you find that in its nervous state it shit everywhere inside that bin, so now you have to clean it up just like all the times you picked up garbage on your lawn because the little bushy-tailed assholes ate through the bag even though there are fucking tasty acorns all over your yard that just end up getting stuck in your lawnmower. Fuck.

Okay, sorry, that got a little out of hand but I'm really starting to think squirrels are the enemy. Need proof? Bam:
Not enough for you? Watch that stupid "Rock Me Gently" Jeep commercial again and see you how feel. Yeah, that's right. Embrace the anger.

2. Buybacks.

It seems like every other sales industry gives you some kind of reward for your loyalty, so you'd think something as sacred and intimate as the bartender-customer relationship would engender a little more gratitude. Wrong. Over the course of a night, I can spend a lot of money at a bar and while I'm not the world's greatest tipper - no steady income, ok? - I also don't stiff anybody, no matter how shitty the service, and I try to give extra to good bartenders. So, occasionally, throw a freebie my way and I'll come back more often and give you more money. There, it's that simple. It's like giving a treat to a dog. - they do something good, you reward them, and maybe they'll hump your leg for a while. Well, I'm the same way. Wait, that came out wrong. What I mean to say is, give me a free beer and I'll hump your leg. Glad we cleared that up.

I'm pissed about this because I was given a buyback from a nice bartender this week and it made me realize that it had been a long time since that had happened. Maybe it's what I'm used to from Long Island - the Checkmate and Tara's are great about this - or maybe it's just my constant need for affection and reassurance, but either way, this doesn't happen enough around here. Once I find a place that does, I'll be there all the time.

Unless it's a gay bar or populated by these guys.


Finally, Things That Have Left Me Undecided:
1. Button Fly Jeans

I had a pair of these years ago that I had to abandon due to a lack of stability in the button region. Yes, that means that constantly my fly would be undone and that's just asking for trouble, especially with all the children that live in my area. And no, even though I love Lebowski and the Jesus, I'm not into exposing myself to 8-year-olds, dude.

Anyway, I recently purchased a pair of jeans that I knew to be in my size but mistakenly thought had a normal zipper. So, as I'm breaking them in, I'm slowly getting used to both the undoing and doing in the bathroom as well as the fact that I'm more susceptible to the wind chill factor as compared to my normal jeans.

The acid test will be tonight, when I'll be going out drinking and most likely becoming friends with a urinal. Maybe I'll even try some different strategies, such as top two buttons with belt buckled, top two and unbuckled, middle two only, or the classic "pull your pants all the way down like a 6-year-old in a stadium bathroom and make it awkward for the rest of us" method. Anyway, I decided that if I end up looking like this in a public space tonight, these jeans will forever be banished to sober duty only. What can I say? I give up easy.

Anyway, I'll report back sometime soon with the results of this evening, and maybe I'll even write some more stuff someday. Until then, beware of pickpockets and loose women.

- Dan